01. "i know what it is to exist between the world's certainties."

welcome to the first edition of maybe we’re infinite! some version of this newsletter has lived in my brain for the last couple of years, and i finally feel ready to begin. this is a space for messy, honest reflections and trying to make a little sense of *gestures around* all of this.

each month begins with a quote that stuck with me — from a book, a movie, a song, or wherever else words find us. i hope the posts that follow bring you quiet moments of introspection, feelings of connection, and the occasional smile.

thanks for being here. let’s get into it.

resolutions are overrated. i know this has become a trendy thing to say in recent years, but here’s what i mean: the way we approach “goals” as “resolutions” — i.e., “i am resolved to do this thing” — feels contrary to my human experience. 

we are ever-evolving creatures. to be resolved suggests certainty, an unshakeable determination. but how can we be certain of anything, when we ourselves are ever-evolving? when the universe that creates us is vast and mysterious and infinite? 

i’m not saying we should never have goals, never challenge ourselves to grow in new ways, especially when we feel stuck. what i’m saying is that we should be choosing what could be possible, in ways big and small. to embrace mystery is to be open to surprise.

what if we chose to live in the unknown, to accept the risk of disappointment for the chance of delight beyond what we’ve imagined?

intentions, not resolutions, are where i’ve found ease. goals rooted in intention ask: what’s the reason behind this? what do you actually want? 

if the answer is joy or softness, why choose demands that harden you? the world already does enough of that.

last year, i set a goal for myself: read more. but this wasn’t about numbers or competition. it was a soft invitation to return to something i loved, on my own terms. if i wanted to spend the year reading zines or smut, so be it. if it could be logged into storygraph, it counted (storygraph lets users upload books, so the world was my oyster!). if i didn’t finish a book, i was allowed to put it down — this one’s big for me. i’ve always been a mood reader but actively fought against it, trying to force myself to read what i “should” — the books on the “best of” lists, the classics, the literature. and audiobooks? they didn’t count, period (which i now recognize is a thought rooted in ableism and privilege). 

last year i leaned into ease. if i wasn’t in the mood for something over 150 pages — which, as it turns out, i often am not — i let myself enjoy a pile of short reads until i craved something else. i stopped dictating pleasure. i let go of guilt.

in doing so, i surprised myself. i didn’t just meet my goal — i nearly doubled it. i read short books, paused when i wanted, and followed my curiosity wherever it led. i even tried audiobooks. they weren’t for me, but they got me walking more, which led to the discovery of the first podcast i’ve ever been able to listen to nonstop (which subsequently has meant more walks and follow-up conversations with friends who are also fans).

the success wasn’t in the numbers; it was in the joy.

the lesson i’m carrying into this year is simple: stay curious. invite expansion in without setting parameters for it. let mystery be a companion rather than something to solve. let your goals be flexible and your rules few.

what would it look like to trust yourself more? to lean into what feels right in the moment, without clinging to how things “should” be?

personally, i want my knowledge, my understanding, and my capacity for surprise to be as expansive as the universe. i don’t ever want to feel trapped — in one way of thinking or one sense of self. i’ve lived so many lives, been so many people in my short time on this earth. i’ve seen so many possibilities, so many ways my path could diverge. i can’t believe in a binary world, not with all this possibility in front of me. 

may we stay open to those possibilities. may our minds and our spirits be ever-evolving and ever-willing to be changed. may we trust in the mystery and the delight it holds.

stay soft, stay curious.

<3,

n.