- maybe we're infinite
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- .12 "maybe it's turtles, all the way down. maybe you're infinite."
.12 "maybe it's turtles, all the way down. maybe you're infinite."
- john green
Nicole Capó Martínez
01 Dec
it’s been a full year of ✨ maybe we’re infinite ✨ — i’m so appreciative of everyone who’s come on this journey with me! i will continue playing with the shape and form of this newsletter, allowing it to be whatever it needs to be monthly, but this will always be a place to explore the tender bits of who we are, and who we are becoming.
i’ve also got some surprises coming up in 2026 as i expand into myself and explore my own becoming. stay tuned!
this newsletter’s name was borrowed from john green’s YA novel turtles all the way down / the movie based on the book. in it, a young woman with obsessive-compulsive disorder is going through her own messy process of becoming and understanding her self. the scene varies between the book and movie, but in the movie, she’s visiting her dream college and sitting in on a class with the professor whose work inspires her to want to go to school there. after the class, she meets the professor and has this conversation with her:
“i’m worried that i’m not real.”
“why is that?”
“it’s like what you said — a lot of my thoughts and behaviors don’t even feel like they’re mine. like they’re not things i want to think or do. and then when i look for the originator of my thoughts, the Real Me, i never find it. you know those nesting dolls? the ones that are hollow, and when you open them up, there's a smaller one inside, and you keep opening them until eventually you get to the smallest one, and it's solid all the way through. but with me, i don't think there is one that is solid. they just keep getting smaller and smaller.”
“that reminds me of an old story. there's this very famous scientist and he's giving a lecture on astronomy to a large audience. and he's describing how the earth orbits the sun and the sun orbits the galaxy, etcetera, etcetera. and when he's finally done, a little old lady in the back raises her hand and says: ‘professor, with all due respect, what you've just told us is bullshit. the truth is the earth is resting on the back of a giant turtle.’ so the very famous scientist gives a smug smile and says: ‘so what is the turtle resting on?’ and the woman replies: ‘it's resting on the shell of another giant turtle, of course.’ and the scientist says: ‘and that turtle?’ and the woman exclaims: ‘don't you understand? it's turtles all the way down.’
you're imagining the True Self, the self that exists independent of circumstance, as that turtle on the very bottom of the pile. but... maybe it's turtles all the way down. maybe you're infinite. and i think your doubts make you more real. not less.”
this is my most core belief: that we are infinite.
that we are endless means we have endless capacity to learn, to explore, to create. it means there are infinite ways of being, not just one “right” way. it means we are never done becoming ourselves.
the idea of being infinite is terrifying. boundaries can be comforting. rules can make things feel safer. and some boundaries are appropriate! and necessary! for self care, for making space for others. boundaries allow others to see and love us in the ways we want to be seen and loved.
but when we box ourselves in out of fear, our soft, safe boundaries end up becoming our cages.
because we are infinite beings surrounded by other infinite beings in an infinite universe, two opposites are true at once: we are both large and small. we are full and we are empty. we are everything, all at once.
we are a part of the constant both/and dance of the universe.
i believe we need to feel small, we need to feel some measure of insignificance. we need to be humbled by the vastness of the universe to feel some measure of peace, to feel life is worth living.
“i feel… small [...] but not insignificant. like i’m a part of something greater. like maybe i’m meant for better.”
and because we are infinite beings, we actually have infinite time. we were once stardust and back to stardust we will go, when our energy rejoins the infinite collective consciousness of all things. energy never disappears, it only transforms.
“look up long enough and you start to feel your infinitesimality. the difference between alive and not — that’s something. but from where the stars are watching, there is almost no difference between varieties of alive, between me and the newly mown grass i’m lying on right now. we are both astonishments, the closest thing in the known universe to a miracle.”
and once you realize that we are bigger than our bodies, that we are more than just these human shells, none of the earthly constructs — money, status, things — matter anymore.
what would it look like to embrace our infinitesimality? to allow ourselves to dream big?
“we have big, beautiful brains. we invent things that fly. we write poetry [...] we are capable of big lives. a big history. why settle? why choose the practical thing, the mundane thing? we are born to dream and make the things we dream about.”
what if we understood — truly understood — that because we are infinite, we carry infinite love inside of us? that there is more than enough love for everyone? that it does not need to be hoarded like a precious resource? what would it look like to love big?
![screenshot from an instagram post by @nifmuhammad that says "I would like my heart to survive so that my living might be useful to others, even if the world does not value any life, I cannot fall [sic] allow myself to fall victim to the world's lack of care or imagination, even if it is seductive to do nothing. Life is action, inaction is death." in white letters on a black background](https://media.beehiiv.com/cdn-cgi/image/fit=scale-down,format=auto,onerror=redirect,quality=80/uploads/asset/file/8c3189af-8429-4f30-af7f-9893044e0245/image_from_ios_720.jpg?t=1764011842)
to understand that every life is beautiful and sacred and worthy. that existing is enough, not because of what we do or our potential, but because of how much we already carry within us.
“i want to insist that our being alive is beautiful enough to be worthy of replication. and so what? so what if all i ever made of my life was more of it?”
to end the year, i’ll share some notes with you from my journal. some thoughts you can ruminate on as you take this season to slow down, to hibernate and prepare for the spring:
i trust my knowing.
every day i grow stronger and clearer in my inner voice. in knowing and understanding what i want, what i need, what is good for me.
no one belongs in this body more than me.
no one belongs to this body more than me.
i am the keeper of my Self.
every day, i cast the net of my Self out wider. i expand. i continue becoming.
every day, i become more my Self.
i am full. i am whole. even as i continue growing. because my Self is infinite. i dwell in possibility. every version of me can and does and will exist, in this lifetime, in me.
all my past and future selves become infinite knowledge. i carry every answer within me.
i’ll see you back here in 2026.
stay soft, stay infinite.
<3,
n.