.06 "don't be so afraid of losing life that you forget to live it."

i recently made what, at the time, felt like a necessary decision which i am only now realizing was also a very brave one.

i had been struggling for years — though my status as Eldest Daughter (a term that defies gender) of a brown family, coupled with my Scorpio sun and INFJ personality, meant that my fierce stubbornness and independence/self-reliance made me believe I knew exactly what was wrong, which was enough to ensure that i could handle it. that i was fine.

reader, i was not, in fact, fine.

i made the brave decision to seek help. to stop relying on myself for answers and be open to advice. to recognize that what i was doing was actually not working, and to summon up the courage to try something new.

to leap into the abyss of the unknown and trust there was a net at the bottom which would catch me.

what i have come to realize is that i had been trapped in a cage of fear for so long that i had stopped being able to recognize excitement.

for me, this was a literal experience — my body was stuck in a state of anxiety for much, much longer than i realized. and so any small thing that elevated my heart rate, that gave me butterflies, that elicited a heightened emotional response, my brain immediately translated into danger.

i am, by nature, an optimist — positivity is in my top 10 clifton strengths and i’m a type 9 enneagram, so i see opportunity everywhere — but my anxiety had turned my strength into my kryptonite. every opportunity became a threat.

i’m working on this, but have found some relief from my physical symptoms — which is in turn helping my brain — with the help of some good therapists and brain drugs.

i’ve also been doing a lot of self-reflection, thinking about the ways fear holds us back from loving and living to the greatest extent. we are living in increasingly difficult times, yes, but what is the point of being here if not to enjoy all of the beautiful possibilities life has to offer? what are we fighting for, if not to preserve all of that beauty and ensure that others — now and in the future — also have access to it?

it’s easy to be scared, and to allow that fear to make us feel small, so we turn away from every feeling of discomfort. what is harder — much harder, and ultimately more rewarding — is to choose to be brave. there’s a quote that’s been quoted so often it’s impossible to know who to attribute it to, but:

in this world and in this time, being brave is a privilege. those of us with the means and ability to choose bravery must do so on behalf of those who can’t. we must choose to expand our lives, and understand that they encompass not only our own lonely light, but that we are one in a constellation of lives that touch each other, that overlap.

when we choose courage, we create space for others to be courageous, too. and so every life benefits from — or is hindered by — the actions you take.

may we all find the courage to take meaningful action, and to recognize that that may look different depending on who and where you are. may we all find the understanding that when we choose to burn brighter, we provide light for others to follow in our paths.

may we all have the opportunity to live boldly, both for ourselves and in service of others.

stay soft, stay brave.

<3,

n.

p.s.

• today’s inspo quote came from this video.

• this whole carousel is great, but that first video is who i want to be in the world.

• reading: just finished Vampires of El Norte because Britt recommended it and now my heart needs a break… time for a smut marathon.

• watching: Britt (see above) started watching Buffy for the first time, so i’m starting Buffy for the first time. stay tuned for thoughts, which i’m sure i’ll have a lot of.